Orangeous Dailies

The lesson behind this entry is : All dogs are smart. Dogs that are really obedient at home, the ones that dutifully fetch your newspapers every morning, or perhaps ranked as one of the top 10 smartest dog breeds online, may fail an obedience test. The other kind of dog tears your house upside down, bites the trainer and tops the class during the test. All dogs are smart in their own way.

A week ago, on the 22nd of June, it was the 10th lesson of obedience training novice class. For the past 10 weeks we’ve been waking up early every Sunday, making the long trips up from Outram to Pasir Ris.

Carlos and Gabbie sitting down.

It was a very important day for us and the dogs. It was exam day. I got wasted the night before and was still feeling very nauseous. Even my breath stank of alcohol. I was absolutely in no shape to lead Carlos and Michelle was getting increasingly nervous by the moment.

Nevermind. If they pass, good. If they don’t pass, then its still ok, Dad told us in the car. Right Carlos? He gave Carlos a pat on the head.

Carlos was being a real fucking prick for the past few lessons. He got increasingly agitated during training. And the whole class watched in disbelief as he bit the trainer TWICE, and got hung in the air for 10 seconds by the pinch collar. He ended up crying in pain. He didn’t follow commands and was totally distracted by i-dont-really-know-what. The trainer told us that we needed to get our act together with a lot of training.

And so, on the morning of the exam, lots were drawn. The test was conducted a distance away, in a training shed. One dog at a time. Two judges present, one giving instructions, one taking down the score. All the rest of the dogs and their owners were to remain in the waiting area, until their names were called.

So we took turns warming up the dogs with a little bit of practice.

Practising while waiting for our turn.

Gabbie was the first to go. Michelle came back with a smile. Things are totally different on the testing grounds, Gabbie followed my instructions, she said. That was a real morale boost for me. Looks like there’s a small chance of them passing this test. I brought Carlos towards the testing grounds when his name was called. Halfway though, I made him sit and I told him to behave and follow all my instructions. I remembered telling him to give his best shot. His stared at me with his mouth open. With that, we walked to the starting line.

Carlos never behaved this way before, not even during his daily training sessions. He gave an amazing performance the moment we were given the go ahead. He followed closely, sticking to my left, constantly lifting his head up to look at me. I told him to lie, he went down. I told him to stand, and he stood really still while the judges examined him. I made him stay, walked 20 metres away, yelled for him to come, and he came, stopped in front of me and sat! One wave and heel command, Carlos sprung up, walked round behind me, and sat on my left, waiting for the next command. All these steps were done with and without the leash. I had never felt so proud of him before. Even the judges were happy.

Carlos and Gabbie’s scoresheet.

The results were released a short while later. Gabbie got 3rd place with 185/200 points. Carlos and another toy poodle shared the 1st place with 189/200 points. The whole class applauded in disbelief that Carlos and Gabbie, the two troublesome dogs, could actually do that well.

Carlos and Gabbie’s certificates.

Graduation photo. Check out their little hats!

And the best photo…

Obedience Training Novice Class Graduation Photo

And so, the two dogs still continue with their usual lifestyle at home. Gabbie still pisses on the floor, and Carlos continues to steal clothing from our rooms. But they are definitely more tame when they’re outside.

Photo Album : http://www.flickr.com/photos/sukianto/sets/72157605038511434/

I played art teacher today to my student. He’s only seven. We were supposed to go through mathematics, but he begged me to help him out with his art homework, due tomorrow.

And for the first time in more than ten years, I made an octopus mask out of drawing block. I was feeling pretty good about myself getting it done in less than 5 minutes, then…

Kid : So what color shall we choose?

Me : Any color you like.

Kid : No. What color is an octopus?

Me : Erm… *trying hard to recall the last time I saw a cartoon octopus*… Pink!

Kid : What color are the spots?

Me : *what? octopussies have spots?!* Erm… grey?

Kid : Grey is not nice.

Me : Then… red?

Kid : How do I draw the spots?

Me : Just like an octopus with… what do you call that… erm… chicken pox!

Kid : Thanks! Ok I’ll go color the mask later.

This is what a real octopus looks like.

I’ll be damned if his teacher calls his octopus a freak.

Moments after I dropped Dad off at the airport in his Odyssey, he turned round, signaled me to wind down the window.

Dad : Remember to take out the cash card.

Me : For what?

Dad : Nobody’s going to use the car, what if someone smashes the window!

Me : Then what is the security guard for?

Dad : Just take it out la!

So I went home, took out the cash card and placed it on the table.

This morning I woke up at 6:30am, as instructed by dad, and drove his colleague to the airport in his Odyssey. On the way back, I picked Jessie up from Bedok. And we drove through the ERP gantry on the ECP…

Loud BEEP of death! Coming from the cash card IU unit!

Fuck! I had totally forgotten to put the cash card back in the unit! Now, I’ll just have to wait for the letter.

Before I got wasted.

If you drink occasionally and are the kind who laughs a lot when you’re drunk, I believe you’re on the safe side. If you’re able to handle the alcohol, you’re fine. And if you’re like me, a fucking monster, then you should stop.

My dear Orangeous friends, I have a confession to make. Something which will change the way you see me, something which will seriously tarnish my image. This is something which I want to be able to talk about years down the road and confidently tell you : Oh! That was a long long time ago! It was really foolish of me! And I expect you to praise me. Heh!

Yesterday Night

What happened last night during Razlan’s birthday was totally unexpected. I got wasted, big time, on the verge of blacking out. My anger overcame me somehow and for no apparent fucking reason, I punched the walls at the void deck. I smashed the ground so hard, my right hand hurts so much right now that I can’t even straighten my fingers.

Worse case, I kept screaming and threatening to kill Jessie, the one whom I loved dearly. I tried to punch her and I had to be restrained by Pang and Elgene. Even the tight slaps delivered by Bernadette across my face failed to subdue the wild animal I was. I was trashing around, yelling, screaming. I insulted the people around me. I insulted their parents even. I have said the worst things I could ever have imagined. Eventually, everybody had to send me home. Michelle had to come downstairs in the middle of the night with a bottle of ice water. She too, was terrified.

I woke up this morning, with a bad hangover, and I don’t even remember anything at all. I have absolutely NO FUCKING IDEA why I did that.

My Confession

So it’s now time for me to stand up, say sorry to everybody I’ve hurt, and admit that yes…

My name is Chris. And I am a FUCKING alcoholic. I want and need to stop.

I have been lying to everyone around me! Everyone including Jessie. I have been discreetly drinking away most of the nights since March this year. I tell Jessie that I’m going to bed, but in fact I have a unopened can of beer sitting on my table. I have never admitted this to anyone and I will do so now.

My usual drinks are one long can of Knock Out beer, mixed with one long can of Baron. $9.80. Or I’ll get two ABC stout bottles and one bottle of Baron. One full bottle of Jack Daniels and half-full Absolut Vanilla vodka, all gone within 4 days after Jessie’s chalet. I downed them all in shots. I was so thirsty I couldn’t even be bothered to mix them.

And here’s what NOBODY KNOWS. When I’m high on the alcohol, I have a fucking bad habit of bringing it up another level. I have risked my life in a reckless and unnecessary manner.

1. I frequently down 4 tablets of Panadol Flu / Piriton with the alcohol to get an extra kick.

2. When there is no more Panadol Flu left, I have been chugging down cough mixture containing codeine. This, done after taking lots of alcohol, gives me a very strange, but soothing and high feeling. I like the feeling a lot, but the next day I will be so hungover and thirsty, I don’t even want to get out of bed. One night, my heart beat so fast after gulping the mixture, I wasn’t able to get up, and I lay down on the kitchen floor for half an hour. I thought I was going to die. Go ask Pang, Elgene and Waikian, I’ve ever called them years ago claiming to be floating and kissing the ceiling.

3. I crush Panadol tablets and snort them. It gives me a sudden high. I’m not always careful when I’m drunk, I don’t grind the thing well and sometimes my nose bleeds.

And the vicious cycle repeats itself, for few days straight. My excuse to Jessie for sneaking out in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but my pyjamas to buy beer, is…

If I don’t drink, I can’t sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

And what happens? I wake up close to noon the next day. Down a few more shots to ease the hangover. And I repeat the cycle all over again. I am constant-fucking-ly high.

If you don’t believe me, go check your blogs. Check the comments I’ve posted! 2am?! 3am?! 4am?! I was totally wasted and high from the alcohol-drug combo. And I don’t even remember commenting on your blogs until I happened to read them the next day. I hope I haven’t said anything offensive. I apologize.

I can’t seem to find a post which was published a long time ago. I think the readers who have been following Orangeous for a long time recall that in that post, I wrote about sleeping outside the house, covered in vomit. My belongings were all scattered along the corridor. The newspaper guy spotted me when he arrived in the morning, and asked if I needed an ambulance. Everybody around me, including my parents still remember that particular incident.

I have been drink driving during my poly days. So wasted that I needed to stop my car at the side of the road just to vomit. I have even pissed in my pants while I was driving. There was once I collapsed at the round tables at the void deck of Pang’s flat in Seng Kang. My car was illegally parked near the table and my car keys were on the table. Unbelievably, nothing went missing when both of us dozed off for half an hour. Everytime I came home late at night, I was wasted. The basement carpark was usually empty, so I didn’t really need to park.

I actually vomited on my dad once, while he was driving me to work. He made a U-turn and everything just exploded from my mouth. The dashboard, steering wheel and his arms were all covered in vomit.

Wasted.

Alec Walker, my next door neighbour, is going back to Texas (Rice University) on 17/06/08. And our friend Claire, is going back to Seoul (Korea University) on 21/06/08. They just finished their Student Exchange Programme at National University of Singapore.

Claire and Alec.

The bunch of us decided to throw them a farewell dinner and cocktail party.

We had dinner at Marche @ Vivocity.

Dinner at Marche.

Alec doing a bit of shopping.

Followed by cocktails at Klee Bar @ Portsdown Road. Recommended by our dear friend Eugene, who is currently working as a waiter there. We started drinking in the taxi down to Klee Bar. We also drowned ourself in cocktails at the bar, almost $500 worth!

That’s Eugene! First time mingling with him in person since I met him years ago on Orangeous!

$458 worth of cocktails. So drunk that I forgot what I drank.

June, Claire’s Korean friend, joined us for some drinks after Alec left, and we took turns (secretly of course!) chugging at the bottle of Korean liquor which he brought along. We hid the bottle under the table.

That is June, also from Korea.

I was too drunk to even recall what happened that night, after we shifted from outdoor to indoor sitting. We took lots of pictures. The girls dared Eugene and I to take off our clothes and in a drunken stupor, we complied! Oh my god. And I didn’t even recall doing that until I saw the pictures.

Ken, the bar manager, in the middle.

Big thanks to Eugene, who paid special attention to our table that night. We had lots and lots of fun!

The following night, my parents suggested that we bring Alec and Claire out for dinner at Jumbo @ Riverside Point.

All of us at Jumbo Seafood.

We promised them that we would keep in touch and hopefully visit them in Texas and Seoul when we have the time and money to.

Farewell Alec and Claire! All of us here in Singapore will miss you both!

Photo Album : http://www.flickr.com/photos/sukianto/sets/72157605684556767/

My two dogs just love chasing the red dot around.

Hey do you have facebook?

I have finally succumbed to the pressure of having a Facebook account.

Do add me if you have one.

I was trying to get from Chin Swee Road to Alexandra Road today, but didn’t know how to. So I nudged my GPS-enabled girlfriend and she gave directions for the fastest route there.

Me : Your sense of direction is good you know?

Jessie : …

Me : Really good. Without you I’ll be lost.

Jessie : …

Me : Do you know what you can do next time?

Jessie : What?

Me : You can be a taxi driver.

Nicotine withdrawal is sure as hell fucked up. They leave you feeling stoned, angry and depressed at the same time!

2-Minute Sit Stay Exercise

And so all the dogs sat and stayed still for 2 minutes until we returned to their sides. With the final test only two weeks away, this was probably an easy exercise everyone could accomplish. Final test requires the dog to :

1) Be in Stand position. Being examined by the trainer, prodded here and there but no movement.

2) Following and obeying commands without the leash on, sticking close to the owner’s left. If the dog wanders out of the test area, it will be considered an immediate failure.

3) On command, automatically return to the owner’s left side, from the right side.

3) Be in Down position, minimum 4 minutes.

4) Be in Sit position, minimum 2 minutes. Both positions with lots of distractions (eg. tins being kicked around, trolleys being pushed and stuff being dropped near the dog)

It’s time to start yanking those pinch collars hard for the next 2 weeks!

Student : And… ice was 4 metres ahead of Jenny.

Me : And what?!

Student : And… ice

Me : What is and… ice?

Student : And… ice!

*He points to the word in the book… *

Me : Oh! It’s Eunice!

The little boy got his Math homework all covered in red ink today. Numbers were scribbled all over, even the number 9 looked like the alphabet Q. Some questions were even incomplete. Big big mess.

He was nice enough to confess that he finished all the 10 pages of Maths homework in a very very short time. He scribbled some numbers here and there, so that he could convince his grandmother that he had finished all his homework. In return, he got to play his Xbox 360.

Few days back some representative from a bank called. I just woke up, feeling a bit irritated to see a private number flashing on my phone.

Lady : Hi Mr Sukianto!

*instantly I knew it was from a bank because I’ve being using this name for every single bank account*

Me : Yes? What is it?

Lady : There’s this package, whereby for $29.95/month, you can insure yourself up to $500 per day you’re hospitalized. There is also this…

Me : Not interested, sorry.

Lady : Sir, with this package you will also…

This Indian lady sounded pretty desperate. I might as well finish listening to her, then turn her down politely. I closed my eyes, placed the phone on loudspeaker, and let her finish up.

Then…

Lady : You will receive a bill…

Me : What bill?!

Lady : For the plan, we can activate it now by phone for you.

Me : Hello miss! I didn’t agree to anything ok! Don’t make the decisions for me, and don’t pressurize me to make one ok?

Lady : Sir..we..

Me : I DO NOT want to sign up for your package! Do not call me back! Bye!

I screamed into the phone because I was so furious that she was trying to twist the whole deal upside down to make a quick buck. Next time I’ll just go with not-interested-thank-you-goodbye-hang-up.